Ruto orders 'shoot but don't kill' to deescalate Murkomen's fatal edict

Only days after Interior Security Cabinet Secretary Onesimus Kipchumba Murkomen inflamed passions by issuing a shoot-to-kill order, which he purported was an “order from above,” meaning the presidency, Prezzo Bill Ruto contradicted him by directing that looters and arsonists should only be shot in the leg.

Now, that’s what leadership looks like. We get it that Prezzo Ruto is utterly frustrated by the endless demands on his time—its physical toll being the bags under his eyes, suggesting inadequate sleep—and seething anger that he conveys in his poise and voice.

When he rose to address a gathering, a hired audience, as I understand, his anger was palpable. Quite frankly, it is unfair to demand so much of Prezzo Ruto when his estranged deputy, Rigathi Gachagua aka Riggy G is gallivanting across the world, mobilising support to rout out his former boss, whom he derisively calls “Wantam,” out of power.

Prezzo Ruto expressed alarm that some were plotting to oust him even before the next polls, to which Riggy G called for calm. Riggy G clarified that there was no apparent haste; Prezzo Ruto would be let to run his course—unless he opted to resign his office sooner. The online brigade, a constant source of Prezzo Ruto’s irritation, says, sio lazima amalize, to infer they might not be that patient.

I suppose this is what Prezzo Ruto finds utterly disrespectful and contemptuous, wondering why his predecessors, Mwai Kibaki aka Prezzo Obako, and Uhuru Kenyatta aka Prezzo UK, were spared such molestations.

The answer is simple. None of them tried to build a church as the nation went up in flames. Or to stop the citizens from venting. Obako simply dismissed such dissent as bure kabisa, while Prezzo UK logged off social media and used newspapers to wrap meat. He did not read what they contained. Now I hear he spends his time watching TV and listening to the radio, I suspect the station that plays UB40 most frequently.

And when these things got out of hand, as they always do in politics, Prezzo Obako hired goons from Armenia, the mamlukis, who distracted the nation for a few crucial months, before they were deported.

The deployment of local goons, as we have seen in recent weeks, to infiltrate legitimate protests and cause mayhem is pretty asinine because: a) they cannot be deported, b) they can turn against their master, when the price is right and c) Kenyans can see through the ruse because we have been here before.

After all, hooded goons, in the form of arms-bearing rogue officers, or truncheon-bearing mikoras, have only replaced the gangs of gakunia of colonial Kenya, who used sacks to cover their heads and faces to terrorise the citizens.

I wouldn’t say Prezzo Ruto has done himself any favour by trying to do too many things, all wrongly, at the same time. I understand the new financing model has seen nearly 50,000 students skip university, to join tertiary and vocational colleges, while the new health insurance uses abracadabra, not math, because nothing adds up. And the much-vaunted jobs abroad are mere scams that has seen hordes deported.

These enormously talented youngsters, with unlimited amounts of time on their hands have converged online to challenge a government that Prezzo Ruto declared incompetent. I would add thieving and immoral.

It makes a lot of sense to shoot at protestors in their legs, though. First off, they get to use the wheelbarrow, and prop the visibility of UDA’s party symbol, and the mass casualties would create employment opportunities for the nation’s unemployed medics and give business to the new health insurance scheme, or scam, SHA.

As to how police officers will determine how to shoot protesters’ legs without hurting a vital artery that could lead one to haemorrhage to death, they should be comforted that Murkomen is a lawyer who has committed to represent them, gratis.

And how come these protestors, if they survive the shooting, will be headed to prison without having their day in court? Ruto’s Kenya is a strange place.